Jokes

[Muz]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Two more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level

[[AgC] Dogsey]

My wife is an ungrateful sod at times, I gave her an earth-shattering orgasm last night and she just spat it out.

[Electric Warrior]

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The reason we used The Scots on the front line was not because they were particularly hard or tough, but for three very important reasons:

1. Better they cop it first than us.

2. The diabolical screeching that emanates from that bag of wind they call an instrument is enough to put fear of god into any enemy.

3.  The sight of a load of hairy men wearing dresses, especially when they lifted the front up to expose themselves was more than any self respecting enemy could bear.

 

[Muz]

The price we pay for being a nation of well endowed men 

[t3rribl3on3]

red sky at night, cancelled flight

red sky in the morning, no ones boarding.

[keefy]

What's the difference between a helicopter and a boner.

I don't have a helicopter

[ScOObyDooD]

What's the difference between a helicopter and a boner.

I don't have a helicopter

    

[[AgC] Dogsey]

I farted in a lift earlier, it was wrong on so many levels.

[RabbidLemming]

The sad death of Ray Allen was just announced.


Lord Charles was speechless

[MajaDamaj]

Health 2010
Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true? 
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn.  And what are these?   Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...good!
         
Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? 

Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. 

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me? 
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? 
A:  Hey!  'Round' a shape! 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"
   
AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
      and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
      and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
      and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
      and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats 
      and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[ScOObyDooD]

Michael Caine

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big Showbiz

party in his swanky new house.

 

Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and

music, fashion and art.

 

There's a feast of pints, the best wines that money can buy, oysters,

champagne.

 

Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar,

 

Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My

Fire" and, over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with

Sophia Loren.

 

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of

his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good

book. "Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started.

 

How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom

for a bit of the 'how's yer father'?"

 

"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the

gist], "as long as she does the rest of the band, too."

 

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in

close and whispers some instructions in her ear.

 

Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in

walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

 

"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that

service to me, do you?".

 

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says, "What the

hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work. Ringo's having

a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door opens and

Michael Caine bursts in.

 

He grabs the young one by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across

the face!

 

"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.

 

"I told you," Caine snarls.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off..."

[keefy]

HAHA nice one Des.

[[AgC] Dogsey]

It could all have been so different, if only John Terry had shagged Robert Greens missus.

[Grandma]

A guy was having problems with his sex life and went to see a hypnotist.  The hypnotist was sure he could help the guys erectile problem and promptly hynotised him.
After the session he gave the guy explicit instruction.  All you do he says, is to say 1, 2, 3, and you will instantly have an erection which will last as long as you want.
But, it came with a warning!
Make sure you give your wife as much as she can handle, he says.  Once it is over, it will be another year before you can use this cure again!  To stop the erection all you need to do is say 1,2,3,4 and it will be gone.
The guy goes home delighted, comes running in the door shouting 1,2,3!  Grabs his wife and rushes her to the bedroom, she giggles and asks.....  What the heck where you shouting 1,2,3, for?

[Tonester]

A guy was having problems with his sex life and went to see a hypnotist.  The hypnotist was sure he could help the guys erectile problem and promptly hynotised him.
After the session he gave the guy explicit instruction.  All you do he says, is to say 1, 2, 3, and you will instantly have an erection which will last as long as you want.
But, it came with a warning!
Make sure you give your wife as much as she can handle, he says.  Once it is over, it will be another year before you can use this cure again!  To stop the erection all you need to do is say 1,2,3,4 and it will be gone.
The guy goes home delighted, comes running in the door shouting 1,2,3!  Grabs his wife and rushes her to the bedroom, she giggles and asks.....  What the heck where you shouting 1,2,3, for?

Lol. Great one Dorrie.

I saw one in the paper today due to the plagiarist stuff happening with Keith Chegwin (the man is so unfunny, he needs to steal jokes). I was surprised to see this in the Daily Mail about a joke by Lee Mack:

Chas & Dave have signed a record deal with Snoop Dogg to sing "Knees Up Mother F**ker"